Gray Matter

I'm finally coming to realize and live in a world that is totally gray. Not gray as in boring, gray as in there is no black and white. Nothing is absolute. I have been swimming in a little pond of safety all of my life and feel as though I have been spewed out into the ocean. Based on what I have been told and taught my whole life, I should be drowning, but somehow...I am not. I have the personality type of following in the shoes of those individuals I feel are successful. I choose a path that has proven to be successful and has the results I think I desire. It's an eye opening day to realize that it doesn't work. In theory, it is great, but where along the way do you actually discover who YOU are? No where. I have come to the realization that I do not know how I feel. I know how I want to feel and how I should feel, but that's all I know. I feel like I "should" be scared and run back to my black and white world of absolutes, but I am not. It is interesting making your own colors out of the gray. I feel behind. There are a lot of so-called truths we are told by those who love us in order to protect us that are not really the truth at all. They are methods and theories of what will protect us. I see the logic. Evidently I am just more behind than most in figuring out that it's okay to be in the gray. How you are told you "should" feel isn't how you are always going to feel. There is not a standard for anything because we are all different.

Ah, the cookie cutter effects of attending private school.:) It follows you. You are punished or told to feel bad about certain things, so you do it...and then...you just keep on doing it. A mass of people created the standard and you just follow because it is probably safer than not following.

Not novel concepts, but knowing and owning are two very different things.