Gray Matter

I'm finally coming to realize and live in a world that is totally gray. Not gray as in boring, gray as in there is no black and white. Nothing is absolute. I have been swimming in a little pond of safety all of my life and feel as though I have been spewed out into the ocean. Based on what I have been told and taught my whole life, I should be drowning, but somehow...I am not. I have the personality type of following in the shoes of those individuals I feel are successful. I choose a path that has proven to be successful and has the results I think I desire. It's an eye opening day to realize that it doesn't work. In theory, it is great, but where along the way do you actually discover who YOU are? No where. I have come to the realization that I do not know how I feel. I know how I want to feel and how I should feel, but that's all I know. I feel like I "should" be scared and run back to my black and white world of absolutes, but I am not. It is interesting making your own colors out of the gray. I feel behind. There are a lot of so-called truths we are told by those who love us in order to protect us that are not really the truth at all. They are methods and theories of what will protect us. I see the logic. Evidently I am just more behind than most in figuring out that it's okay to be in the gray. How you are told you "should" feel isn't how you are always going to feel. There is not a standard for anything because we are all different.

Ah, the cookie cutter effects of attending private school.:) It follows you. You are punished or told to feel bad about certain things, so you do it...and then...you just keep on doing it. A mass of people created the standard and you just follow because it is probably safer than not following.

Not novel concepts, but knowing and owning are two very different things.

The Birthday Break Up

Well, I should be quite the pro by now. The art of the break up. Obviously they all boil down to the same result. I will be honest though and say that I, like most, like to be the first to the finish line. I have been fortunate enough in my dating career to not experience the betrayal of unfaithfulness until recently. As if it wasn't bad enough, I discovered it on my birthday. It was definitely a surprising present.

The thing about breaking up is that you have to approach it with confidence. Dogs will eat you alive if you approach them with fear, so if you just put your self right in front of them the chances of a dignified survival are much greater. Walking away seemingly unscathed would be the preferred escape route, especially in a case where you know the other person is just not into it anymore. The art of crying and carrying on rarely will produce a masterpiece in the end...only a blotchy red face and black streaks running down your cheeks. If in the rare event you are the one who is loved from head to toe some sympathy is a nice touch; however don't allow the whining to carry on too long. The point is to get out of there.

The looming question remains to be answered as to why it takes some people millions of attempts to discover a mutual relationship where they both love and are loved in return? It is a vicious cycle in which you generally are on one side of the fence or the other...

I believe this is why we have pets. They love us unconditonally.

Abyss

Have you ever thought you cared for someone more than you really did? Strange feeling. You're upset that you aren't more upset. The sense of loss seems like it should be much more. The mind..it is a strange thing. The tears are fleeting. They don't quite vibrate your heart like you know to be true when it is broken. The experience of your world shattering isn't there, for which you are both grateful and yet somehow feel like you need to dig deeper for it. Maybe if you marched around the walls a few more times they would cave in and shatter finally...but alas...it doesn't come. The discovery is almost disappointing, but yet you are relieved that you will not be keeping Bigby and Kleenex in business for the next 3 months.

Nothingness

There is nothing I can do. I feel strapped, not so much trapped. Trust. It doesn't come easily. They say you should trust someone until they give you a reason not to, but I don't know if I agree. Sometimes our gut instincts are right on target and we should listen. Logic can't outweigh the gut. I feel sad. I feel indifferent. I feel vengeful. I feel slightly stupid.

Sukha

Slow. Down. We are not in a hurry. We are not rushed. Life is not rushed. Once we can just breath and rest and slow down, life and it's possibilities become so much larger. I am enjoying my yoga class. Last week was about tapping into the other side of our brain that God gave us instead of staying in such a small box and putting limitations on everything. God does say that anything is possible, so why don't we feel it most of the time? This week was about slowing down. Our ego gets in the way of what could really be possible because we are pushing and yearning and striving for an end goal instead of enjoying the journey. Much more could become possible along the way.

I enjoy thinking about these things. The world feels larger. Shockingly, God feels bigger. It isn't about me and what I can do. There is a WHOLE lot more at work, like EVERYTHING he has created!

I believe that sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it.
- Garrison Keillor

Walk the Line

The morning is off to a nice start. Made eggs and toast, yes, my domestic skills (or lack thereof) do show themselves sometimes. I went for my annual physical this week and had to get a tetnis shot-my arm still kills.

I was just reflecting on insecurity and fear. I have been mulling it around lately and wondering what life experiences cause us to become insecure. It is something I really struggle with. I have to push it out of my mind. Confident and demanding girls seem to have little problems with attaining what they want and keeping it. I try to pretend sometimes I am really that confident, but in all reality, I am so not. I'm not sure if it is a series of being rejected in your life that heightens insecurity, or if I just have a low self esteem sometimes.

Well anyway, working on cleaning up some code for a site I'm finishing up, and I need to pay my license plate renewal.:)

Fall Ya'all

Well, I have tried to write one of these before, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I am definitely no writer. I would love to be able to sit in my high loft apartment in NY and write away on my mac like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex in the City, but...instead I just write amidst my two yapping yorkies. I love them dearly, but Lily drives me nuts sometimes. Since she's a rescue she feels the need to bark at everything because it is all so new, or threatening, I'm not sure which of the two.

Some people write about politics, religion and their children or soley display both their children and their portfolio and works of art on these things. I don't have any children, but the two pups, and I'm not much into politics. I know the basics, or so I think about McCain and Palin. Based on my limited knowledge...I like her. Powerful woman, trendy, can't stand on her high horse and belt out her opinions from non-experience, especially with her pregnant daughter. The only thing about Obama is that he has a beautiful website.

As far as religion is concerned, I'm not so sure about the whole institution of church these days. I grew up pretty strict and pretty Baptist. A lot of messages somehow brought together to be the "absolute truth" when in actuality they really are authority figures trying to guide you in the best possible direction or scare you from making some bad choices. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt God, the Bible, my salvation or my relationship with him, merely how things get so twisted. Joshua Harris and others about Kissing Dating Goodbye. Idolization goes both ways. My friend Lindsay was telling me yesterday over coffee that her cousin and husbands first kiss was at the alter, and then she said, "Talk about building it up and idolizing it and putting so much emphasis on it." How true that is. You can worship sex as a focal point, but you can also worship making it not the focal point. And the biggest question lately is, where was Adam and Eve's wedding? I missed that part I guess. Not justifying, but these and other questions swirl lately. I think sometimes it might come down to the fact that some things are gray and no matter how hard one might try, there is no black and no white. It is easier to see things in color than in a blob, but it is okay to not know and to ask. Not asking means taking all the things we are told from other flawed individuals and calling it truth. I think we can do only the best we can do based on what we know about God and move. He won't let us go, no matter what. And of course there is the whole issue of doing things in community, as we seem to worship individualism on every level.

Well, that was that for the moment. In other news. Work is going well. I just brought on another contract developer and my first ever commission only sales person! I'm excited to see the direction that it takes. Her and I seem to work really well together, so hopefully I can get some more fun projects. I am working on WMU Theatre department logo right now, which will be sweet if it goes well as I will be doing all of the websites for the department. I just picked up a Dog Pawlor in Beverly Hills to do logo and branding for this week too. It is a good thing for so much variety or I would get bored so fast. I am launching a new site hopefully by the end of the week, so I will post a pic when it is finished up.

Things I love today:
Crisp Air
Old school alarm clocks (you know, no digital, just the big hand and the little hand)