Gray Matter

I'm finally coming to realize and live in a world that is totally gray. Not gray as in boring, gray as in there is no black and white. Nothing is absolute. I have been swimming in a little pond of safety all of my life and feel as though I have been spewed out into the ocean. Based on what I have been told and taught my whole life, I should be drowning, but somehow...I am not. I have the personality type of following in the shoes of those individuals I feel are successful. I choose a path that has proven to be successful and has the results I think I desire. It's an eye opening day to realize that it doesn't work. In theory, it is great, but where along the way do you actually discover who YOU are? No where. I have come to the realization that I do not know how I feel. I know how I want to feel and how I should feel, but that's all I know. I feel like I "should" be scared and run back to my black and white world of absolutes, but I am not. It is interesting making your own colors out of the gray. I feel behind. There are a lot of so-called truths we are told by those who love us in order to protect us that are not really the truth at all. They are methods and theories of what will protect us. I see the logic. Evidently I am just more behind than most in figuring out that it's okay to be in the gray. How you are told you "should" feel isn't how you are always going to feel. There is not a standard for anything because we are all different.

Ah, the cookie cutter effects of attending private school.:) It follows you. You are punished or told to feel bad about certain things, so you do it...and then...you just keep on doing it. A mass of people created the standard and you just follow because it is probably safer than not following.

Not novel concepts, but knowing and owning are two very different things.

The Birthday Break Up

Well, I should be quite the pro by now. The art of the break up. Obviously they all boil down to the same result. I will be honest though and say that I, like most, like to be the first to the finish line. I have been fortunate enough in my dating career to not experience the betrayal of unfaithfulness until recently. As if it wasn't bad enough, I discovered it on my birthday. It was definitely a surprising present.

The thing about breaking up is that you have to approach it with confidence. Dogs will eat you alive if you approach them with fear, so if you just put your self right in front of them the chances of a dignified survival are much greater. Walking away seemingly unscathed would be the preferred escape route, especially in a case where you know the other person is just not into it anymore. The art of crying and carrying on rarely will produce a masterpiece in the end...only a blotchy red face and black streaks running down your cheeks. If in the rare event you are the one who is loved from head to toe some sympathy is a nice touch; however don't allow the whining to carry on too long. The point is to get out of there.

The looming question remains to be answered as to why it takes some people millions of attempts to discover a mutual relationship where they both love and are loved in return? It is a vicious cycle in which you generally are on one side of the fence or the other...

I believe this is why we have pets. They love us unconditonally.

Abyss

Have you ever thought you cared for someone more than you really did? Strange feeling. You're upset that you aren't more upset. The sense of loss seems like it should be much more. The mind..it is a strange thing. The tears are fleeting. They don't quite vibrate your heart like you know to be true when it is broken. The experience of your world shattering isn't there, for which you are both grateful and yet somehow feel like you need to dig deeper for it. Maybe if you marched around the walls a few more times they would cave in and shatter finally...but alas...it doesn't come. The discovery is almost disappointing, but yet you are relieved that you will not be keeping Bigby and Kleenex in business for the next 3 months.